Friday, August 20, 2010

still waiting on the world to change

so tonight i was watching a David Gray special we taped off of one of the music channels we get (fuse, maybe?) and his recent music worked beautifully as a muse for writing poetry. it wasn't on purpose, i was just listening to his gravelly (sp?) voice and picked up a pen and a poem came out. i haven't been hit this hard by poetry in ... well.... forever. really. like a decade or something. so here it is...

Flippin, stickin
Where was i when i was lookin
i went to find what i knew i had
the past
the Truth
the Love
..... A field afar
with wildflowers (FULL)
Where did i go What did i do
Whatever. everything i saw was you.

what did i do to earn your love
what did i do to earn your love

it just was.

the grass. the hill. your hands. the dance.
and somehow i just lost my chance.
where did you go you go you go

the Love
the lies
the past
my chance
the Truth
and oh, the Beautiful Dance.

Flippin, stickin
You took it all when i stopped lookin

Thursday, August 12, 2010

My Birthday!

HA! My birthday is still a couple of weeks (2 weeks and 4 days) away, and already I'm thinking about it and planning it. See, last year kind of sucked. So this year I want to celebrate. (fyi celebrate for me means coffee & cupcakes, not drunkenness.) so i combined my thoughts about my Happy List and imagined my perfect birthday. I decided in a perfect world, we would magically spend a day in chicago (magically = no car/train/bus ride to get there). i would love more than anything else to take Lucy and go to the Art Institute to the room where my favorite painting is: Seurat's Sunday Afternoon at the Park... or Sunday en la grand jatte... whatever you'd like to call it. Most who don't know art might know it as the painting that Cameron stares at for a while in Ferris Beuler's Day Off. it seems to be the most calm room in the world to me... i believe there's a Picasso in there, and a van gogh maybe??... anyhow last time i was there it was all wood floors, normal white museum walls, and a bench to sit on... just completely serene to me. anyhow i can just imagine going there and enjoying that room with Lucy for a while.... Brad's in chicago too, but he's NOT an art fan, so maybe he could go to niketown and get some tennis shoes?
oh and of course then we'd go to get some cupcakes and coffee afterward. basically just enjoy a CITY. no suburbs just for one whole day. eat some food at a restaurant that's not a chain. i could use that.

alright, happy list... some classics:
1. earl greyer when i have a headache
2. foozball when rick & cam are playing
3. movie night (sometimes)
4. paper daisies
5. portsmouth, NH (esp the Elvis Room)
6. bonfires at the reservoir in huntington
7. plymouth, MA (home of our forefathers and cranberry world)
8. party at Shan's (4/99)
9. jones 'pink' soda
10. surviving graduation
posting some classics tonight b/c tomorrow is my doctor's follow-up appt and i am anxious. anxious. anxious. here's hoping for sleep. to sleep perchance to dream.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

who do you think you are?

sorry, i have that john mayer trio (was it the trio??) song stuck in my head.
it's a great song and really at this point anything is better than TMBG ABC's songs from the dvd that Lucy is currently ob-sessed with. at least she's learning from it but it might be about to "disappear".
i don't have a happy list top 10 for today. i'm feeling pretty happy and blessed without a list tonight. lots and lots of Lucy laughter (resulting in mommy laughter) filled the day today. and the house across the street from us where there are always about 150 people, lots of trucks & trailers, loud language, and all-around sketchiness... well lets just say they had 1 firetruck and 3 police cars in front of their house tonight. and if the cops are busting up any of the sketchiness going on in there then i am happy about it! i didn't move my adirondack chair around to the front yard to watch like i wanted to... but... i did watch from the front door like a little kid on christmas morning.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

looking for God's blessings

i made it my new goal to make a top 10 happy list for each day. to focus on what God has blessed me with and even though i'm not always "feeling" it... to FIND it and realize it.
so for today here are my top 10 (i'm tired so five are from today and five are from my old lists):

10. fuzzy wool sweaters (this is a repeat several times over on my old lists)
9. gumball machine rings
8. my lucid bootleg
7. the wild cat & the raptor (some of my favorite roller coasters)
6. meteor showers
5. finding that my Jack Johnson concert "passport" has a free song download code
4. having someone ask me how i am and knowing they're listening (thanks Mom)
3. Lucy's laughter & giggles
2. comfy pink pj's
1. Lucy constantly saying "mommy" and giving me kisses

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

trying to catch up

so lately i've been thinking about getting a laptop (major purchase!) and writing more. i think f/b has been sucking a lot of time that i should be spending elsewhere. and while it's nice to keep up on what's going on with everyone it doesn't necessarily help one feel centered or balanced. it kind of helps spread out where one's thoughts are and right now balance is necessary. also everytime Lucy raids one of my bookshelves and brings a book to me (one of her favorite past-times), she brings either children's book publishing guide from 2008, writing & publishing for dummies, making a literary life, the writer's guide to publishing.... you see where i'm going with this. it must be a sign.
so i'm blogging.
not exactly professional "write 50 pps per day" writing, but better than no writing.
and definitely more than just updating my profile status.

also i find myself as of late re-visiting my Happy List often. almost daily. i have my pseudo-current Happy List, my back-when-we-lived in the Barky's basement Happy List and my oldest/things from college life Happy List. the medicine i'm on currently is for a potential facial nerve (disease? disorder?) problem and it can cause mood swings/if you're already down it enhances that feeling. also it tends to make me really tired & worn out which doesn't help with feeling down... and someday i'd like Lucy to have a sibling & i can't do that on this medicine, so that doesn't help anything (and also reminds me i've already done the miscarriage route once)... it all kind of snowballs. (my potential diagnosis is Trigemenal Neuralgia...look it up sometime) so my happy list does what loved ones can't/don't do when i'm feeling down and it's too late to call. i'm seriously considering putting the un-edited version of all Happy Lists on my blog. this would be a big step for me. but sometimes when i read things about what makes someone else happy, it reminds me of something that makes me happy... or even sometimes a memory i've forgotten about. so maybe my happy list would make someone else feel good too.
for tonight i'll share one memory from my college Happy List: seeing TMBG for free at Purdue in the POURING rain, and they still shot off the confetti cannon. it was great seeing all that paper confetting just wet & sticking to the 10 people right in front of the cannon. :)