Monday, December 23, 2013

Christmas epiphany

I have had a wonderful change in my feelings about the season & spirit of Christmas this year! I *had* been struggling a bit (understatement) to experience the warmth & lightness that is the norm for me at Christmas... You see, my Gram passed away a couple of months ago. She was my last surviving grandparent. She lived a full & blessed life. But I had been thinking so much about how I missed her. And how much I missed some of the traditions we shared at her Christmas dinner and gathering. Then that sadness & melancholy led to more feelings of winter blues, for lack of a better term...less daylight & more cold... and that led to feeling isolated. Even a little trapped in my home with my 3 sweet little ones. Which reminded me of the twins I miscarried a few years ago. More sadness. More melancholy. You see the snowball effect snowballing. That splintered off into fear. Fear of a house fire, of someone breaking into our house, of someone murdering my family.... exhausting, snowballing fear. Grown out of melancholy. So I started trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Why I had such a lack of faith in my God. And that made me fear even more... I love God & I thought I trusted Him. But He didn't create me with a spirit of, maybe I was broken. Or not really "saved". I have felt a lot of introspection & a lot of self doubt. Then yesterday I read something (which I will misquote & butcher, but I will try to capture the meaning) from someone wise named Lysa. She said that having occasional fear & doubts aren't necessarily a bad thing. Because why would the devil attack us if God didn't have a truckload of good things right around the corner?? Well. Holy cow. I never thought of it that way. All I had been focusing on was what was wrong with me. By thinking of myself, I had just let the devil continue to attack me. I was giving him an in. But when I considered God & the good things He has for me, I shifted the focus back to where it should always be. Back on my savior. And, in turn, I quit thinking of how much I missed my Gram. I started having a thankful heart (easier when you're not filled with fear!) and suddenly Heaven doesn't feel a million miles away. It doesn't feel like some up high in the sky can't-quite-reach-it place. Heaven feels like a Place very close.... another dimension that is right here around us but we just can't see. I feel like my Gram, my twins, and so many other loved ones are right here, looking after me. And when I think of it this way, it seems to take on a magical feel. Not Merlin the magician abracadabra garbagey feel. But an intangibly warm magic. So the Christmas spirit has wrapped itself firmly around me. And I feel joyously ready to celebrate my Savior's birth!

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

random blessings

You know how your brain can remember the most random memories? I think that is so rad. My Gram has been more on my mind since she passed away a couple of weeks ago, but.... a week or so ago I was busy with the girls, and just going about my day when, all of a sudden, this memory overcame me. It was when I was litle, at my grandparents house before they moved to the farm...and they had a sidewalk that ran downhill between their house & their garage/workshop. We used to take out little toys that you could ride on & race them down the sidewalk. For some reason I always had either a cinnamon or butterscotch candy in my mouth....and I remember repeatedly choking on those candies while racing down the sidewalk. But I was also able to remember the smell of that garage....the cool, grey smell of the random but so vivid! Also, a certain Irish blessing has been my favorite for several years. I have always identified most with my Irish ancestry, and found out at Gram's service that I have even more Irish blood than I ever knew. I even saved up $$ before one of our trips to Boston to purchase a framed copy of this blessing at the Irish store at Fanueil Hall/Quincy Market shops. But I have never figured out where I knew the blessing from....only that I loved it. Well, this last Sunday night I was working on getting Caroline to sleep & was getting pretty frustrated with her. So to calm myself, I just shut my eyes & started repeating the blessing over & over: May the road rise to meet you May the wind be always at your back May the sun shine warm upon your face The rains fall softly upon your fields And, until we meet again May God hold you in the palm of His hand. And that's when it hit me. EPIPHANY! I could see it, a white trinket with a black, lattice frame. With that blessing in black, Celtic font....and green shamrocks around the words. It was hanging on the wall in my grandparents' kitchen at the farm! That Irish blessing that I loved for years, that comes to mind every St. Patrick's Day, and that I couldn't get out of my head when Gram had her stroke & died....I knew it from the trinket in HER kitchen, and I can only assume she purchased it from her & my grandpa's trip to Ireland in August of 1976 (they were there when I was born). Wonderful blessings of memories....things I didn't realize were treasured away in my brain....

Thursday, September 5, 2013

uh .... progress.... hahaha!

Day 1 of homeschool: Awesome. Day 2 of homeschool: pretty good. Day 3 of homeschool: kicking my fat, white butt. We have already taken an Oreo & milk break, written a song called Rock it Like a Homeschool Kid, and then it got so bad we agreed to watch a Blue's Clues (MOMMY CRINGE, I handle every other show much better!) And we will try Day 3 again later.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Homeschool first day

I might be changing the name of my blog to Confessions of a Homeschool Mom. Because it is *supposed* to be Lucy's first day of kindergarten.... Hadley hasn't slept much in 2 nights so my attitude stinks, Lucy is grumpy from not sleeping well, and Caroline...well, Caroline is screaming because she wants pickles and tomatoes for breakfast. Plus she won't keep her pants on. She wants to potty on the potty chair. Not so bad except that it always ends with a ton of pee on the carpet & none in the potty chair. Is it all still worth it to homeschool my big kindergartener?? ....I think so.... We shall see.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

randomly trying to write again

I am watching the Bachelorette. I love this show. It reminds me of when I fell in love. Nobody tell me what happens this week please. I hate spoilers. (I am also coveting Des's hoodie sweater at the beginning!) Also.... I said Random!... I cannot get Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 out of my head. Love. I have three daughters now. I am feeling so stressed & blessed constantly. One minute I think I won't survive this, and the next minute I can't believe how amazing this is. *and* if things had gone differently, I would be raising my twins along with my 3 daughters! Some things just aren't meant to happen. But I do know I need to write more. And I need to pray more. God is the lifter of my head. A phrase that is so dear to my heart these days!