Monday, December 23, 2013

Christmas epiphany

I have had a wonderful change in my feelings about the season & spirit of Christmas this year! I *had* been struggling a bit (understatement) to experience the warmth & lightness that is the norm for me at Christmas... You see, my Gram passed away a couple of months ago. She was my last surviving grandparent. She lived a full & blessed life. But I had been thinking so much about how I missed her. And how much I missed some of the traditions we shared at her Christmas dinner and gathering. Then that sadness & melancholy led to more feelings of winter blues, for lack of a better term...less daylight & more cold... and that led to feeling isolated. Even a little trapped in my home with my 3 sweet little ones. Which reminded me of the twins I miscarried a few years ago. More sadness. More melancholy. You see the snowball effect snowballing. That splintered off into fear. Fear of a house fire, of someone breaking into our house, of someone murdering my family.... exhausting, snowballing fear. Grown out of melancholy. So I started trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Why I had such a lack of faith in my God. And that made me fear even more... I love God & I thought I trusted Him. But He didn't create me with a spirit of, maybe I was broken. Or not really "saved". I have felt a lot of introspection & a lot of self doubt. Then yesterday I read something (which I will misquote & butcher, but I will try to capture the meaning) from someone wise named Lysa. She said that having occasional fear & doubts aren't necessarily a bad thing. Because why would the devil attack us if God didn't have a truckload of good things right around the corner?? Well. Holy cow. I never thought of it that way. All I had been focusing on was what was wrong with me. By thinking of myself, I had just let the devil continue to attack me. I was giving him an in. But when I considered God & the good things He has for me, I shifted the focus back to where it should always be. Back on my savior. And, in turn, I quit thinking of how much I missed my Gram. I started having a thankful heart (easier when you're not filled with fear!) and suddenly Heaven doesn't feel a million miles away. It doesn't feel like some up high in the sky can't-quite-reach-it place. Heaven feels like a Place very close.... another dimension that is right here around us but we just can't see. I feel like my Gram, my twins, and so many other loved ones are right here, looking after me. And when I think of it this way, it seems to take on a magical feel. Not Merlin the magician abracadabra garbagey feel. But an intangibly warm magic. So the Christmas spirit has wrapped itself firmly around me. And I feel joyously ready to celebrate my Savior's birth!

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